Fall To Pieces
by windwhisprer
Summary: [oneshot][SanzoGoku][AU] When you've lost all chances, when all the tears have been shed, and when you have to other options. Sometimes all you have to do is fall to pieces.


**A/N: **Hello everyone. I have a random oneshot for you. It is SanzoGoku but there are mentions of GojyoGoku and SanzoHakkai. They aren't really that major. This is an AU. The inspiration for this random little piece came from the song Fall to Pieces by Avril Lavigne. Which is where the title comes from. I know some people are grossed out now, but oh well. Avril's not that horrible.

Please enjoy!

**Fall To Pieces**

He couldn't believe what he was seeing. His mind simply would not process his thoughts correctly. His mind blanked and his tongue became dead weight in his mouth. His stomach dropped and his knees went weak. His throat closed and his eyes watered. There didn't seem to be a single part of him that didn't want to do something at the sight of the blonde haired man in front of him. Trying to quench his parched throat, he smiled. "Hey."

He could tell the man in front of him was having similar problems. His violet eyes remained unblinking as they traveled up and down his body. He must look like a mess. He'd been having a bad day so simply came dressed in pajama pants and an oversized sweatshirt. Of course, that never mattered. It never did and it never would. As usual, the blonde looked primed and proper, even if he didn't mean to. "Hey," he muttered dryly.

They must've looked ridiculous, standing in the middle of a music store, openly gaping at each other while other people tried to move around them. He didn't care. He doubted he'd be able to move even if he wanted to.

The brunette shifted from foot to foot, blinking while still in awe of the man in front of him. "I thought… I thought you moved to New York City," was all he could mumble out.

The blonde placed in hands in his pockets, only looking slightly uncomfortable. "I did," he said slowly, violet eyes scanning the boy's body. Moving everywhere to avoid meeting his eyes. "But I came home. Just for a visit."

Goku felt his heart jump. It leapt up into his throat, threatening to strangle him. Sanzo had come back? For a visit? Or perhaps it was something more. The blonde monk would never admit his true feelings, even if his life depended on it. "Sounds cool," Goku said with a nod. "So, you busy?"

Sanzo shrugged. "Not particularly."

"Wanna take a walk then?" Sanzo shrugged and the pair moved to head through the mall, talking politely as they walked. The pair stopped at the food court, each buying an ice-cream cone. Goku had decided to try the new tiger flavor, while Sanzo, as predictable as he was, simply bought strawberry.

Goku laughed at the monk as he paid. "You're still getting strawberry Sanzo? Two years and you haven't changed."

"Seems you still go for the extravagant flavors," Sanzo noted with a snort. "There's nothing wrong with simplicity, idiot."

The pair walked in silence, circling around the mall endlessly with no real destination in sight. After a while, Goku glanced at the blonde out of the corner of his eye. "So," he drawled slowly. "You still do the whole Buddhist monk thing?"

Sanzo grunted. "Of course. You know my father, so instant that I follow in his footsteps." Sanzo took another bite out of his ice-cream cone, and Goku smiled. Despite the fact that Sanzo hated his line of work, Goku could tell he wanted to make his deceased father proud. Koumyou had been diagnosed with a blood disease, and had died rapidly. So Sanzo decided to take up the family business in his honor.

"How's your catering business?" Sanzo asked quietly, finishing his cone.

Goku smiled, glad the blonde remembered. "It's good. Me and Nataku are doing a good job. We've got so many orders these days that soon we're going to be able to buy a bigger restaurant."

"That's good."

The pair fell in silence once again. There were so many things left unsaid. Two years ago, Goku would've died to have this moment. He would've apologized for everything that had happened, kissed the blonde and never let him go. He had his whole speech memorized for the longest time. But… after a while Goku realized Sanzo wasn't coming back for him. Wasn't coming back to see him. It had been hard, but Goku moved on, and he thought of Sanzo less and less. And after seeing him again, he felt incredibly guilty for ever forgetting how bright those violet eyes were. They walked around the mall so many times it was starting to make Goku dizzy. After what felt like only seconds Sanzo stopped, looking at his watch. "I have to go," he said, disappointment clearly in his tone. "It's getting late."

Goku crossed his arms, frowning in a way it looked much like a pout. "Late my ass," he snapped. "C'mon, come back to my house with me. We have a lot to catch up on."

Sanzo shook his head. "I have a plane to catch tomorrow."

Goku's pout turned into a quizzical expression as he studied the monk. "Plane? Are you heading back already?"

Sanzo nodded. "Duty calls."

Sanzo turned, and Goku felt his heart stop. No way was he going to let this chance slip through his fingers a second time, reaching out, he grasped the monk's hand. "That's even more of a reason for you to come. Please? Just for a few hours?" Goku watched, mildly amused as the monk's resolve crumble under the power of his eyes.

Sanzo turned to him, sighing softly and placing his hands in his pockets. He muttered a soft, "Idiot," under his breath as he turned to follow.

---

"_I'm leaving," Sanzo told him. His tone was cold, overpoweringly so. It left the brunette before him trembling, more tears pouring from his golden eyes. They were lost in the constant downpour of rain. How far had Goku chased him? The brunette could only wonder how disgusted his lover was with him. Who wouldn't be? Coming home, finding the boy sprawled out under Gojyo, the man's best friend. He understood that Sanzo was angry, vehemently so. But it had been a misunderstanding. A mistake. _

_Gojyo had confessed how much he cared for the brunette and pulled him into a kiss. Goku had tried to get away, tried to tell him no. But for a brief second, for one, hopeless second Goku had succumbed to it. Had let Gojyo touch and roam over him, and that was when Sanzo had caught them. _

_How long had it taken to break down the man's emotional walls? They had known each other for at least seven years before Goku could coax the man into trusting him. For over a year Sanzo had loved him, trusted him, and knew that in one, helpless situation he had ruined everything. _

_Who knew if Sanzo was crying with him, as he tripped over a crack in the sidewalk, stumbling. Sanzo had barely enough time to grab his shoes before he'd run out the door. He didn't want to be there. Why did Goku have to follow him? He was soaked through, totally and completely. "Sanzo…" the boy cried pathetically, hugging his arms to his chest. He felt so cold, so broken. Sanzo wasn't really going to leave him, was he? _

"_Don't cut any bullshit with me!" Sanzo yelled, his voice overpowering in its intensity. "Don't lie about what you did, Goku! I saw you! Jesus, I can't believe I trusted you!" he yelled, throwing his left show to the ground in a moment of pure frustration. _

_Sanzo had been abandoned as a child. His parents had left him to die before his fourth birthday. He'd been found by social services, and brought in to be taken care of. Sanzo never trusted any of them. Hated them all. That was when Koumyou had stepped into his life. The man was kind, soothing and broke down Sanzo's emotional walls. Sanzo learned to trust him, learned to love and care for him like a father. Then he lied. _

_Sanzo had come home one evening to find his father had collapsed on the kitchen floor. He'd rushed him to the hospital, and learned of his father's blood disease. The man was dying quickly and hadn't even had the decency to tell his only son. Since then Sanzo had always had such a hard time trusting people. Goku understood. He patiently broke down each layer of Sanzo's iced personality, and eventually the blonde had returned his feelings. It had been the happiest day of his life. _

_So why, _why_ did everything have to change so suddenly? _

_Goku could practically feel Sanzo's frustration and grief. He wanted nothing more then to grab the man, hold him in his arms and tell him how truly sorry he was. "Please Sanzo!" the boy cried out desperately. "Let me explain!" _

"_No!" Sanzo yelled angrily, taking a few steps away from the boy. "I'm not going to listen to your lies! Now fuck off! I don't ever want to see your face again!" Calming momentarily, he glared. It was a dark, icy glare. One similar to the one Goku had seen whet they first met. The shield Sanzo had used his entire life had suddenly snapped back into place. "I'm taking my father up on his offer and moving to New York. So get away from me and leave me alone!" _

_He turned to leave, when Goku reached out to him. Sanzo shoved him away, causing Goku to fall to the cold, hard cement. They stared at each other for a moment, both in momentary shock at the blonde's actions. Finally, Sanzo turned, and ran. _

_Goku hugged his arms to his chest, and cried. _

---

The pair headed into Goku's apartment. Goku flipped on the lights as they headed deep into the small cave Goku liked to call a home. It was a mess, complete with empty soup bowls and three day old chips lying discarded on the coffee table. Goku moved over towards the kitchen, opening the fridge and getting Sanzo and himself a beer. Turning back towards the blonde, he smiled.

Sanzo had positioned himself on the counter, kicking his feet up and lighting a cigarette. It was so casual. It was as if the last two years never happened. As if they were both still lovers living together in a complete and total mess of an apartment.

Smiling, Goku headed over towards the couch, leaning over the back and handing Sanzo a beer. On a completely subconscious act, he leaned forward and kissed Sanzo's neck. He felt the blonde tense. He'd missed Sanzo's scent. Missed the taste and feel of his skin. Before he knew it, he was kissing Sanzo's neck and jaw, moving upwards the nibble on his ear. Sanzo didn't seem to mind. "What are you doing?" Sanzo asked gruffly, though did not move to push him away.

"'Pologizin'," Goku muttered with a pout, before continuing to kiss him. "I missed you."

Sanzo let the boy kiss him for a few moments longer, before pushing away. "I met someone."

Goku looked up at him with a pout. "Who?" he asked, before he could stop himself.

"Hakkai." Goku frowned. Hakkai. He met the man once before, in passing. They had become good friends in the time that they spent together. Goku felt untamable jealousy flare up in his chest. Did he kiss and caress the blonde haired man? Did Hakkai make him happy? Goku hoped not. He could be very, very selfish at times. And when it came to Sanzo, there was no limit to his selfishness. "Are you happy?" there was a sadder tone to his voice now.

Sanzo nodded. "Y-Yes."

Goku didn't miss the stutter, and he didn't care. Sliding over the couch, he placed both his hands on the man's shoulders, leaning in to take in his scent once again. He could become drunk on Sanzo's aura alone. He forgot how intoxicating this man was. "Too bad," he whispered softly. "I don't care. I wanna be selfish right now, and I wanna touch you. I want to lie right here, fall asleep right here, and pretend nothing's wrong." His grip on Sanzo's shoulder tightened considerably, and his eyes squeezed shut. "Please. Just let me pretend."

Surprisingly, the pair fell back into the couch, and Sanzo wrapped his arms around the boy as he held him tightly. Goku never wanted to let him go. Nothing in his life had ever felt so right. Goku did not know how long they sat there in silence, listening to the motor of the refrigerator and the click of a faraway clock. Goku stared at Sanzo. Openly, for the first time in what felt like forever. He knew that in a few hours the blonde would leave his life again, and he wanted to memorize his eyes feature. He didn't want to face the terrifying fact that one day Sanzo's face was slowly going to slip from his mind, before soon it would be gone forever.

So he let himself watch the man in front of, hold him, and completely fall to pieces before him. Let his heart rebreak after so many years of mending. Let him hate himself.

"Don't leave me again, Sanzo," he whispered.

Sanzo said nothing.

---

Goku awoke the next morning to find sunlight streaming down in his eyes. He closed them tightly, snuggling down into the spot which was supposed to contain a warm body. He frowned when he realized it had gone cold.

That realization scared him as he bolted upright, eyes wide as he glanced around the room, unable to find the blonde he so sought. Cursing himself, Goku bolted up from the couch, grabbing his jacket and running out the door. Shit, shit, SHIT! He must've overslept. Was Sanzo gone already? Was he already on his way back to New York? Goku would not allow those dreadful thoughts as he got in his car and sped towards the airport.

He'd stopped at one of the ticket check-ins and asked about flights to New York. The woman behind the counter seemed a little uncertain, even slightly jumpy at his urgency. "New York?" she echoed. "There was one flight earlier this morning, and we have one that'll be boarding in about fifteen minutes."

He'd managed to get a pass which allowed him to slide past. He practically ran for the right terminal, praying, pleading he would make it in time. He almost cried at the thought that Sanzo had gotten on the earlier plane. No way would he let Sanzo do that to him. Never, ever, ever. There was _NO FUCKING WAY _Sanzo was getting through his fingers that easily.

He arrived at the boarding dock just in time. He found everyone lined up, getting their tickets checked. Goku scanned the line, every single person. No Sanzo. His heart dropped to his stomach and he felt sick. He approached the desk, asking the woman if she'd seen a golden haired man get on the plane. She said she hadn't, but there had been a beautiful man earlier that morning that had gotten on the earlier flight.

Goku felt his heart crush in his chest.

So, Sanzo had left him. Left and went back to Hakkai and New York. Left him all alone once again. Slowly, he turned, and headed back home.

He hadn't felt at all himself as he started his car and began driving home. His movements and mind were slow, and his subconscious kept tossing ideas of how to get Sanzo back. Of how to convince him that he had to come home, and how truly sorry he was. He thought about sending roses. Nah, too cliché. What about endless letters until he finally responded? Nah, too annoying. And then there the dreaded thought of buying a ticket and following him to New York.

Goku stopped at an intersection, frowning at himself. He stared at the light, but his mind was racing. Could he do that? Could he afford it? Sighing, Goku shook his head. Goku and Nataku had just spent all their money on their new restaurant. They were as good as broke. Goku didn't have enough money to simply fly to New York on a whim.

Goku pressed down on the gas as the light turned green. Then what? Had he truly lost Sanzo? Was that it?

Goku hated to admit it, but it was.

Sanzo had run back to Hakkai, and Goku couldn't simply try to rip him away. Hakkai was a nice man. If it was anyone else, Goku would allow his jealousy and selfishness to take control, but he couldn't do that to Hakkai. He'd been through enough as if was and deserved to be happy. Besides, if Sanzo was happy, then what right did he have to take that away from him?

He headed up the steps to his house, sluggishly taking out his keys and unlocking the door. As he headed inside, he stopped dead. The first emotion to strike him was relief, the second, the undying urge to break down and cry. Sitting on his couch, with his feet propped up and his cigarette in hand was Sanzo.

The man stood as he entered crushing his cigarette butt into the nearby empty soup bowl, turning to face him. His expression was hardened, and Goku could feel himself breaking as he stared into those cool, violet eyes. "What are you doing here?" Goku was thankful he found his voice, and was surprised at himself when it sounded so angry.

"I came to tell you I'm over you," Sanzo said, though a little uncertainty seeped into his eyes. "I've moved on."

"So have I," Goku replied with utmost determination. Both of them were frozen in place, staring at each other. Goku felt like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming train, knowing hurt and pain were soon to come but unable to run away. "Is that all? Or have you come back to make me feel any worse about myself?" Goku snapped, surprised at the bitterness.

Now Sanzo looked really uncertain. His eyes trailed down to the ground, studying the hardwood. "No," he said suddenly. "That was all. I just wanted to tell you I was over you, so you could get over me."

Tears pricked at Goku's eyes, but he didn't care. He simply stood, feet firm, before a small, knowing smile crossed his lips. Something about Sanzo's stance, contradicted his words.

"Then… if that's all… why are you still here?"

---

Hakkai frowned up at the clock. Sanzo should have been home by now. The blonde had insisted that he didn't need a ride, and that he could make it home perfectly fine himself. But Hakkai was now starting to wonder. The blonde could be increasingly stubborn even if he knew he wasn't right.

Yet, at the same time, Hakkai knew it was something else. He knew that Sanzo was late for a completely different reason. The phone suddenly rang, and Hakkai stood to answer it. "Hello?"

"Hakkai?" It was Sanzo. "We need to talk."

Hakkai let a small, sad smile grace his features as he leaned back against the couch. "Let me guess…" he drawled lazily. "You're not coming back?"

There was a pause at the other end, then a small, "Sorry," muttered almost begrudgingly.

"Its fine Sanzo, I had a feeling something like this was going to happen," Hakkai said with a soft chuckle, falling back into the couch. "As long as you're happy."

"Thanks Hakkai."

"But do tell," Hakkai continued, an amused chuckle lighting his features. "Why did you go home?"

There was another pause, longer this time. "There were matters that needed to be settled."

"And I'm guessing they weren't settled?"

"Not in the least."

Hakkai chuckled again softly. "Well, take care Sanzo."

"You stupid monkey!" came the faraway bark from the phone. "Give me back the keys!" And then the line clicked dead.

Hakkai could only stare at the phone in a moment for confusion, before chuckling and hanging up.

* * *

**A/N: **I feel bad for Hakkai in this one. It seems he gets the short end of things. Oh well, Hakkai can deal. xP He gets Gojyo anyway. Anyway, I hoped you enjoyed this weird, confusing little piece of fandom. Please leave your comments, as always. 


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